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Your holiness, dear Pope, Sir,

You spoke out quite forcefully against the proposed US military strike on Syria, today. Recent Popes have been known to deliver platitudes about finding peaceful solutions but you sounded more sincere somehow. You even shot out a letter to Putin ahead of the Gee Twennie summit. Vladimir was against the military strikes from the beginning and he is thrilled to bits that he now has something far more potent than Polonium-210…….God.

Attaboy, Popekins! You’ve come a long way from the ‘garrucha’ torture sessions of the inquisition. And the ‘Razzia’ wartime Jew round-ups of Pope Pius XII. And Bishop Hudal’s Nazi ‘ratline’. And a woodwork oozing forth with 70 year old pedophile priests. Jeeze, your church does have a colorful history, your Holiness, and its not only on the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

I find so many similarities between you and Pope John Paul-1, may his soul rest in peace. Johnny was called the ‘smiling Pope’ because of his modesty and his simplicity, just like you. I have in fact heard with growing alarm about your remarkable simplicity and your rejection of all items of comfort and pleasure. If you continue in this vein, fully expecting all of us ta emulate you, Pope Sir, I’m worried that the world will slide into another recession with nothing being purchased or sold. Just as the recent recent crash was named ‘the sub-prime mortgage crash’, we can give your recession a name too. Let’s see, ‘the Francis crash’?

John Paul-1 would have reformed the corrupt Intututo per le Opere Religiose, a.k.a the Vatican Bank, which was actually nothing but a massive money-laundering operation for the Sicilian Mafia. It was ideally suited, given that most deposits were cash donations from believers and still is. They say that the bank, which has deposits in billions, has never had its books audited. I mentioned that John Paul-1 would have reformed the bank. That is if he had been allowed to live. His Holiness was instead murdered in his bed just 33 days after his election as you are kindly aware. You’ve announced that you’ll carry on John Paul-1’s good intentions and reform the august institution and boot out all those Machiavellian cardinals around you.

Please, Holiness, watch your back. I could get you in touch with some out-of-work Navy Seals if you like. We all want you to be the one to finally snatch the Catholic Church (and all other places of so-called worship) away from the vice-grip of the red guy with the forked tongue and pointed ears. You won’t be able to, if you’re going to be shipped back to Argentina in a casket.

But I have to admit. You’re full of Papal Bull.