Brrrr! This winter is sure building up to be a nasty one. We have had quite a few -20˚ mornings already. For those of my friends who haven’t yet had a chance to experience it but soon might, here are some things you need ta do to survive the freeze. 

Rule-1: 

Foremost, no matter how short a time you plan to stay outdoors, be it just clearing the snow off your driveway or dropping someone to the bus stand round the corner, bundle up completely with your mittens, boots, jacket, the works. Last winter, a guy in Repentigny had a dizzy spell while walking to the mom and pop store ten paces from his front door, to get a pack of cigarettes. He wore a beige pullover over his white pyjamas and had slippers on over his bare feet. He collapsed and hit his head against some flagstones by the side of a few garbage bins. The bins hid his body from view, plus his clothes sort of camouflaged him on the snow. It wasn’t overly cold that night, maybe only around -5˚ but it was snowing steadily. He was found the next morning when a shopper noticed one bare foot sticking out of the snow. If he had been fully clothed, he just might have survived. 

Rule-2: 

This is about driving. Doesn’t matter where you live, North America has conspired to make you drive. You have to drive most times, to get from A to B. We literally live inside our cars for a better part of every day. My commute to and from work is 3 hours in summer, 4 hours in winter. That’s an average of 22% of my waking hours. You had better maintain your car. If its a sedan, she’s female, treat her nice and smooth, no sudden accelerations or braking. Look after her tires. She is mandated by Canadian Law to have winter tires between Dec 15 and March 15. 

If you have summer or all-season tires during that period and a cop catches you, you’ll be lighter by 300 smackeroonies and a demerit point which will in turn jack up your insurance when you renew the it next time. Winter tires are softer and have deeper treads. Keep an eye on the treads, have a tread height gauge handy. If the treads drop below 3/8ths of an inch, chuck the tires and get new ones. I just got myself four Michelin X-Ice I3s for my Honda, Bunty. Those are tough little mothers, with very deep treads. I dropped a packet on ’em but Bunty is beside herself, so thrilled is she. 

Rule-3: 

If you plan ta party, an organization called Nez Rouge (red nose) drives drunk party goers home during the holiday season, for a reasonable fee. Drink by all means, but do use their services in case you plan ta get sloshed. There’s nothing wrong in getting plastered. Why, Lord Shiva got away with his Jim Morrison impersonations most times, didn’t he? And Ma Parvati loved him for it, didn’t she? Alcohol is good for you. Don’t you use it to clean stuff? So what if it makes you speak inappropriate stuff and act like a prick. It keeps you warm in the Canadian cold, does it not? Its better ta be a warm prick than a cold one. 

By the time this Christmas break draws to an end, if you haven’t made an ass of yourself at least once, you are not a Canadian male. Don’t be a cad, though, a boor, a buffoon, a lout or an inebriated ars—-le. There’s a difference. Be charmingly inappropriate. At the bar, you must be able to look a beautiful woman in the eye and tell her you want to spend the rest of the night making gentle love to her with just your lips and all she does is draw in her breath in surprise and blush. Always push the envelope. Be a homo erectus among homo erectuses. 

But whatever you do, don’t try ta fool around drunkenly with the Nez Rouge driver just because she happens ta be a blonde. She took on the job because she can handle 10 drunks like you at the same time and she likely has a Glock as a back-up, under the dash. Be inappropriate by all means. Appropriate is dull, inappropriate is funky. Just know when to be inappropriate, that’s all I ask. 

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Trust me in this. I have been inappropriate since age 4. I loved showing the ayah(nanny) how I could contract my muscles and make my ding-a-ling bob up and down when she was changing me. 

Rule-4: 

Even though you won’t sweat at all through the winter(unless you gym), bathe regularly please. Winter body odor is a funny blend of putrefied egg, wet dog, skunk armpit, garbage dump and yak yoghurt, baked in fossilized deodorant. If you plan ta make love to someone who isn’t much of a winter bather, avoid oral sex, November to May. Be a missionary instead. Kama Sutra was meant to be practiced only in the tropics. 

I’m writing a sub-arctic version titled ‘Kama Sutra – Going down, above the 48th parallel’. You’ll be invited to the book launch. Dress code, slippers only.