Nice. There is a day now, for everything.

I am not sure what we need to do specifically, on International Happiness Day, considering the unfortunate fact that one can’t switch on happiness just because some richardhead in the UN made today International Happiness Day. On the contrary, forcing yourself to look happy can only make you more miserable. And then, some folk just love being melancholy. For some cultures, especially in the middle-east, being happy and taking simple pleasure in happiness is considered a sin even.

I’ll level with you. Sometimes I try my best ta cry myself, believe me, especially when I have inappropriate thoughts that just won’t go away, about a species that is just slightly different from us men. I make myself think of sad things then, to take my mind off those naughty thoughts. I am not alone. Our minds are programmed not to find happiness. We are taught from an early age, to seek out hardship and sorrow.

Our scriptures and cultures, our hymns and psalms and shuras and toras and vedas, have all conspired together, to see that we remain dour, sad individuals. When we see someone who is happy and marvel aloud at his contentment, the poor sucker rushes off to perform some stupid pooja or burn esfand, in order to stave off our ‘evil eyes’. I don’t know many times I have said this myself,” Just look at that guy. What the f—k does he have ta be so happy about? Ass—le!”

Those of us who absolutely refuse to be sad and morose are labeled decadent, perverted, depraved, immoral, wicked, wanton, effete, degenerate, debauched, fallen, unhealthy, loose, unchaste, obscene, licentious, lewd, rakish and unprincipled. A girl wants ta wear a halter top that can barely contain her and we rage that she is being promiscuous. Maybe she is, so what? Eve just had a fig leaf, for cryin’ out loud.

If we have to have a day, I propose the International Noisy Farts Day. Unlike the pursuit of happiness, which is invariably at the cost of someone else’s happiness, going brappapap and breepapoopapeep is entirely harmless and fills nearly everyone with glee. I am sure even Osama Bin Laden used to snigger when he brippibrupped. Tell me you don’t giggle when you hear someone let loose and I’ll say you are a soupuss.

Furthermore, fart is a very stable and inert gas. It has hydrogen and sulphur, both solidly acknowledged as being life’s very building blocks. They were the very first elements created in the Big Bang. Did you see what I wrote there? Big Bang. Heh. Irony. Heh. Hoh. Har.

Fart doesn’t combine easily with any other compound and is therefore considered non-toxic. I mean, have you ever heard of anybody fainting or dying from smelling farts? No one who has been stuck in a high-rise elevator with six sardarjis and an exhaust fan that doesn’t work, has ever succumbed.

So, with yore permission, I’ll celebrate International Noisy Farts Day taday.

Wait, if we don’t have any chana at home, I might have to postpone it till tomorrow.