Thou shall not commit adultery
(The Ten Commandments, Exodus 20:1-17, 1270 BC edition)
Watch it, this is the era of data breaches, Stupid
(The Ten Commandments, 2015 AD edition)
Spunkybong Quiz :
Who said, “If I don’t have sex everyday, I get a headache” ?
(Hint : Read this piece through, for the answer)
First prize : A married 30-something blonde, named Mamo Graham
Thank the good Lord, I haven’t started cheating on that Persian woman in my house. You have no idea, besides being homely and a handful, how dangerous a Shiite Iranian woman can get. My God, she could be having a relative fighting with the Hezbollah right now as I speak. I won’t even know it before I find myself in an orange jump suit, kneeling before a glowering Persian hulk with a machete who could make Cyrus the Great look like Chicken Little.
Of course, I have reached the age of superannuation and therefore crossed that threshold beyond which wives usually don’t even bat their eyelids when men cheat. ‘Go ahead, he’s aaaaall yoooores’, accompanied by a snigger, nyuk..nyuk.., is the worst that can happen.
Once she even dared me. We were sitting at a riverside café and I was checking out a broad whose skirt appeared to have been painted on by an artist so hard up that he couldn’t afford enough paint.
“You are shameless and disgusting,” she said.
“If you berate me this way, I’ll cheat on you,” I countered.
“With that?” She pointed at a spot south of my navel and giggled. (I hate it when they giggle).
I do not believe in living for the moment. Anything that is fleeting, like an orgasm, does not appeal to me anymore. Ashley Madison thinks that we should make ‘the most’ of the time we have on earth. “Life is short. Have an affair,” it says – a typically western mindset – seeking out and trying different things, making life as exciting as possible. The website is so in-your-face immoral that it is actually intriguing, if not downright attractive, to folks who like life on the edge.
Let’s face it. I completely agree with Al Pacino’s soliloquy in The devil’s advocate. We humans were meant to be neither faithful nor virtuous. Otherwise why would He make sinning look so attractive? Every goddamn thing that we really enjoy doing, is sinful. No, that didn’t come out right. I meant to say that every sin is a blast that we have a ball committing. We are perpetually stuck in a cusp where the other side is always greener. So is adultery. The other woman might have bad breath and the other man may have a tiny penis and yet they turn us on more.
As far as jurisprudence is concerned, over here in North America, the judge won’t even bother about your dalliances, should you find yourself standing in a courtroom, getting divorced. If you are standing there because you were shtupping someone behind your wife’s back, it means absolutely nothing to a North American judge. You’ll be let off with a $10 fine and that too, only in a handful of Canadian provinces. In the others, adultery is not even in the penal code.
The judge might take notice, if your extra-marital affair affects your kids in any way, but chances of that happening are rare these days. Kids today are hardened and blase. While they would have preferred to be in a family where the parents were affectionate with each other, separation and divorce do not bother the average North American kid that much anymore. In fact he sees the bright side pretty quickly – two sets of parents and therefore two sets of Christmas, birthday presents and vacations.
So, go right ahead and get into any North American woman’s pants if she’ll have you in there, Sir. That’s why over there they call pants – ‘slacks’.
Now, let’s go to the hullabaloo about the hacking of the Toronto-based extra-marital affairs website, AshleyMadison.Com, a site that reportedly got it’s name from joining the two most popular baby names in North America, to attract female subscribers. There is a concern over the damage which the leak might cause, when all the lurid details of it’s clients’ dalliances are exposed.
Wired Magazine has termed the leak an ‘unprecedented personal privacy disaster’. It reminds me of the scandal last year, over the hacking of celebrities’ cell phones and the outing of nude photos which stars like Jennifer Lawrence (et al) regularly texted to their boyfriends. (As if meeting up and f—king every evening wasn’t sufficient).
I mean, what kind of imbecile would want to do stuff that is so prone to hacking? Don’t we know by now that when the technology world touches the real world, there are security risks inherent in the overlap? Don’t we have a constant stream of news stories about security breaches, hacks, leaks and data loss? Doesn’t it inevitably turn into a predictable progression – technology meeting security risk meeting stupid?
Honestly, I am finding it very difficult not to not feel sorry for the shmucks who go to places like AshleyMadison.com.
I have no idea what kind of site security Ashley Madison employed, but breaches can happen and they do, all the time. Hacks are so common nowadays that security experts no longer advise companies on ways to stop attacks, since that would be pointless, given the sheer volume of bombardment. My own employers routinely receive threats to the extent of 1850 to 2500 distinct attacks every day, peaking during vacation periods to as much as 10000 intrusion attempts daily. It is impossible to build a fence that can keep each and every intruder out. Instead, internet security providers devise ways to mitigate the risk of having hackers inside and work on ways to contain a breach.
Then there is the Murphy’s law for cheaters – If you cheat, you must accept that there is a reasonable chance that you will eventually be outed somehow.
AshleyMadison.com claims to have 38 million users, with more than half in the US and Canada. Is your spouse cheating on you? So? Big deal. Get a life and a divorce. That is a typically American or Canadian thought process. Western society has become immune to infidelity, desensitized and pessimistic about being able to build a happy marriage.
What? Don’t look at me like that. I may be Canadian but I am not one of the 38 mill, okay? I belong to the giggle rousers’ group, remember? Besides, I heard somewhere that affairs might give you a fractured penis. I am terrified of an L-shaped organ which would make me have to thrust sideways to achieve penetration, thank you. A left bend and I’m a socialist, right – I am Donald Trump. Anyway I am glad that there are at least 38 million idiots on earth and I’m not one of them.
Europe is not very far behind, more specifically – France. When the French President Francois Hollande was outed, zipping away on a scooter in the middle of the night, to see his mistress, his approval rating, instead of going further south, actually went up. The French celebrate adultery exuberantly.
I read somewhere that the hackers are not evangelical crusaders who wish to combat the spread of sexual sin by closing down the site, but disgruntled employees. Whatever their real motive, the hackers can gain consolation by the fact that Jesus would almost certainly have approved the hack, although his modus operandi might have been a bit different – maybe more ‘Biblical’.
Jesus would probably have cursed Toronto with a flood or maybe tornados, even a higher pollen count or UV Index, taking care of course to have an emissary spread the word to paint a cross on the doors of the virtuous, with goats’ blood.
Ulp! Anybody have JC’s number? I have to tell him there are no goats in Canada.
Answer to the Spunkybong Quiz:
John F. Kennedy
The prize? Didn’t I tell you I already won it?
(It’s some Vancouver broad named Scarlett Johanssen)
Pssst! They just called our flight to Aruba, toodle-oo!