The Pope came and he spoke. His speeches sounded like he had had a joint just prior – the way he, in typically Spanish fashion, spoke in a meandering drawl.

And he cussed and he admonished – like 21st century school teachers who can no longer cane. He was like the principal in my high school who had walked into our class during break time – chiding but still grinning, severe and yet, funny.

Francis excelled in flattery too – he called America ‘the land of the free and the brave’. For ‘free’, he must have been referring to those guys who wear peeked hoods made out of bed-sheets with holes for eyes in them. Or those guys in blue and peaked caps who shoot first and ask questions later. They are free to do as they please.

For ‘brave’ he must have meant those drone pilots sitting inside air-cooled cabins in Nevada and picking off innocent women and children 8000 miles away, just because they ‘fit the signature’. They are brave. Maybe he even suggested a Congressional Medal of Honor or two, for them. After all, they were ‘making America safe’, weren’t they?

Frankie, you disappointed me today, with your meaningless and inane rhetoric. What do you think will happen right after you get back inside your Alitalia Jumbo Jet? I’ll tell you exactly what will happen….

Life will go on as before. Your jet will have sprayed approximately a 250kg of nitrous oxide and carbon monoxide into the atmosphere – for really nothing. The world is too far gone, to heed your words, Popesidoo.

But for there’s still a silver lining for ya, Frankipie – I wanna be a katlik like you.