The aim is to get as nonsensical as possible.

I am thinking of starting a helpline, a call center for anyone who has absolutely anything ta say. Trust me, there are a lot of dudes like me who are lonesome but just won’t admit it. We pray at the alter of The Church of the Lonesome, better known by it’s nickname – Facebook.

We are there by choice actually, somewhat like Britain, looking forever from the outside at the EU, too hoity-toity and imperial to be counted as one of them. I am at the fringe, always churning inside, feeling left out but wanting ta be in. No one pays me any attenshun. My posts barely clear two likes and one comment on an average day.

If I was American I would be shooting up a shopping mall with an Armalite AR-15 or a Glock34, but instead I create stupid outrageous cover pikchurs and I deliberately misspell words.

But the call center is picking up. I just took my first call – some stupid English bozo who wants ta leave the EU…..

“Hello, is this Spunky’s helpline?”

“Yes, Hi..umm.. this is he. How can I help dissuade ya from leavin’ the EU taday?”

“I..umm. I think all those folks in the EU are such jerks, always prattling on and on about how they are sick of all those damned refugees and want to dump them all on us. I have had just about enough of them.”

“But refugees are good for your country. Just look at your Royal Family. They were murderous Visigoths before they came over from Germany and settled down in England. Look how well they have done for themselves.”

“I can’t fault you on that, Sir. Naked hottentots half a world away, still sing ‘God save the Queen’ to that old crone when she visits them,” the caller fumed.

“And you, Sir? When did your noggins settle here?”

‘Oh I am the first. I just came in a couple of decades back…from Moscow”.

“Really? I suppose you slunk in inside a 40ft container too, like the rest of ’em?”

“No, I had a little more space actually. It was a 747.”

“Oh…” The call center does get it’s share of looney calls.

“Abramovich is the name,” he went on,” but you can call me Roman.”