“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night” – Gina Lollobrigida
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” – Katharine Hepburn
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Today is International Women’s Day! Or was it yesterday? Oh yeah, it was. Like somebody I know remarked, the day just took too long to get ready.
Women…getting ready, got that, didn’t you? Women take so long ta get ready and all? Didn’t get the joke? Sigh.
I know – that was just another stupid crack at women. These days women don’t take too long deciding which dress ta wear. Heck, they don’t even wear dresses anymore. How long do you think an off-shoulder takes ta wear?
Ultimately it is all about physical strength. If women had been tougher than men, we are the ones who would be doing the chores around the house. Not that they do the chores around the house these days anymore, but the world order runs on the principle of the supremacy of physical strength.
At the fag end of the Trojan War, the desperate Trojans recruited a mercenary army of Amazons – ravishingly beautiful and at the same time brawny muscular big-breasted women, trained in hand-to-hand combat. The 4th Century BC compiler of Greek mythology, Palaephatus, thought that the Amazons were actually men mistaken for women by their enemies because they wore clothing which reached their feet, tied up their hair in headbands and shaved their beards. Who knows, with all the pederasty in ancient Greece those days, beautiful boys weren’t uncommon.
But I think otherwise. The Amazons were broads, plain and simple. Legend has it that they made love to a man only once, because he died right after, his richard crushed under strong vaginal muscle control. If you were an Amazonian man in those days, you must have had a hard choice ta make: between a satisfying orgasm followed by an excruciatingly painful squeeze into a neutron star-like singularity or skipping sex with a Gandhi-like ethos and a game of tennis.
There’s no archaeological evidence of the above of any penis crunching ability of course. I’m assuming all this since Homer didn’t specify if in their R&R breaks, the Amazons went out with men or simply made love to each other. There, see? I bring sex into everything.
Anyway, it was a matter of time before Panthesilea – the Queen of the Amazons – was facing off with Achilles, the Greek warrior. If Panthesilea had had the right intelligence briefing, she’d have known that Achilles had been given the boon of invincibility by Zeus and there was no way anybody could vanquish him. Unless they knew about his heel, which Pantyhose unfortunately didn’t.
Long story short, Achilles slew her. Oh yeah, those days, you didn’t kill anyone, you slew them. When Achilles removed her helmet and chest plate from the corpse and saw what was underneath (especially under the chest plate) he immediately regretted killing her.
“What the f….!!! I thought you were a dude, man!” Achilles must have exclaimed.
According to Homer, Achilles was bowled over by Pantyhose’s beauty and fell head over heels in love with her – her corpse, that is. He begged his mother, nymph sea Goddess Thetis, to bring her back to life with her magical powers, but Thetis was right then otherwise occupied, doing what nymphs are made ta do – being shtupped by Zeus. Besides, she was done with her son’s constant hankering for sex with recently deceased women.
In case you come across a differing version of the story of Panthesilea and Achilles, ignore it. This is the official one.
Whatever the truth about the Amazons, women through the ages have been inspired by them, just like the way that those Virginia Slims ads did, in 1970s America, when cigarette ads were still legal. The ads aimed to portray the modern woman as being emancipated and no less than men, while at the same time being hilarious.
Here is a collection of those ads. Take a minute to read the captions on the photos. You are guaranteed to ROFL. The one that has no accompanying snippet is the one that speaks the loudest – it portrays a stylish black woman in a freaky Afro top and bell bottoms, looking like she doesn’t give a damn. It does not have any accompanying story since the presence of a black woman in an ad itself is the point.
And us men – we haven’t changed a bit. We are still the same idiots – killing and maiming, raising barriers, scheming and stealing our way through life. We men are the real bulls in the China shop, except that soon there won’t be a single unbroken dish left.
At every turn in history, it has been clear that women make the best leaders. Devoid of macho bravado and massive egos, they have had their eyes firmly on the ball. The late British PM, Margaret Thatcher may have been right when she said, “In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. But if you want anything done, ask a woman.”
Not that there aren’t phonies among women, mind you. Look at Hillary Clinton – universally detested, for no apparent reason. Maybe we were all wrong about her and she would have made a fine President. Maybe if she had been a man, the perception of her deceit would disappear.
Oh yes, the Virginia Slims ads that I had promised ta show you and here they are. If you cannot read the fine print of the jokes, get a magnifier. Don’t miss reading them. Coz – like women as a whole – they are worth it.