Relax, this is not the end of the world. Look at the bright side.
First, just step back a bit. Without Hitler ……
You wouldn’t have had the United Nations and a chance (along with four others) to lord it over the rest of the world, through a process of faux concensus building.
Hundreds of developing nations wouldn’t be on the road to independence, giving America the market to expand trade, without European interference.
Rocketry and space exploration wouldn’t have happened, at least not in the time scale that it did.
America wouldn’t have switched from being hungry and recession-hit, to basking in unparalleled economic prosperity – from a middling rich nation to a superpower. The blacks in America wouldn’t have found a voice and segregation wouldn’t have become a raging issue, sending white folks looking through their pea-sized consciences.
Now lets look at you, with Trump in charge and the cataclysm that is sure to follow very very shortly…….
Putin, who reads America and its checks and balances better than you can imagine, really believes that your Trump is nothing more than an unstable buffoon. Putin reads Trump just as good as he reads America – a ‘colorful guy’, which is Putin’s way of heaping naked scorn (Trump didn’t notice the leering smirk on Putin’s face when he said that, so he immediately took that as a complement).
Once the sanctions are lifted and Crimea is officially pronounced a part of Russia, Putin will have no further use for your Donald J. Trump. He won’t even return Trump’s calls, trust me on this. You see, there really isn’t any budding bromance there. Putin really doesn’t trust America. He really really hates America and all the stuff you guys stand for. That’s why, when he hacked the DNC, he hacked the RNC as well. While, in the case of the DNC, he weaponized his hack immediately, Putin did the RNC hack as a kind of contingency plan, knowing how volatile Trump is. He sheathed his weapon, armed and primed, ready to be drawn at a time of his choosing.
You didn’t notice all this going on, right? With the analytical capacity of sixth graders, you wouldn’t notice. That’s why I am here ta enlighten you.
A new Axis, with China and Russia and all those Central Asian nations and those in far and near East will agglomerate on one side and will militarize rapidly, thanks to Trump’s loose talk and natural antipathy. All Muslim nations will find a new home in the Axis. Nations in the periphery too, such as Greece, Serbia and Macedonia will turn toward the new axis, rather than remain with a racist bigot phony who makes them all feel inferior and looks at them as nothing more than cash registers. Astronauts on the ISS shall be made to feel like the protagonists in Arthur C Clarke’s ‘2010 – the year we made contact’.
But don’t worry, you’ll still have a few friends – your puppy dog, Britain for one, a ghastly, divided, neutered and impotent shadow of an empire, desperately trying to keep up the same ludicrous pretense, like a withered old circus clown who brandishes a gaudy, papier mache royal baton, while he attempts and repeatedly fails to hold up his pants at the same time.
Wait, there are other puppies as well – faux democracies in the third world, like the Indians, a bunch of folks that crouch over computer screens night and day and think that that makes them a ‘regional superpower’, unaware of scrawny vermin from across the border that breeze in over the barbed wire and wantonly massacre its soldiers with abandon, sometimes even playing footsie with their hostages for days, before being killed.
This is also a nation that has made bowing and scraping at white skin a fine art, so fine that it has gotten soaked thoroughly into their genes and hardened and tempered into their psycho-motor reflexes. Look at that loony PM of theirs everyone mistakes for a whiz kid. He loves going around hugging and kissing other world leaders every chance he gets, even when he senses them cringing. Subservience begins at the top, dunnit? In India, you guys have found the perfect patsy, no question about it.
The Third World War will be a swift one. Fortunately, nuclear weapons are very very decisive. There won’t be another five-year long slug fest. It will be over in two weeks.
For those of you who survive the blasts the radioactive fallout, instead of bringing serious long term health issues, will actually make your constitutions stronger, helping you live longer. If you don’t believe me, look at Japan, the only nation to have been hit with nuclear bombs. There are more 100+ year old dudes in those areas per square mile than anywhere else in the world. Radioactive isotopes, when administered in nuclear bomb strength doses, actually make you stronger, trust me. Soon as you see a bomb coming, don’t try to put distance between you and the blast radius. Just get into your car nice and easy and drive like crazy toward the blast zone, but don’t get carried away. Stay just outside the heat wave zone. You don’t want ta be burnt to cinder. All that ionizing radiation and the lovely lovely gamma rays will ping into your body and make you feel like you’re in a spa.
Since the population of the world shall be halved, there will be more of everything for everybody. You won’t have to worry about jobs. With manufacturing infrastructure and congested population centers completely destroyed by nuclear strikes all across Asia, all those jobs that had been shipped there, shall cease to exist. All those coal fired power plants having been razed, the atmospheric CO2 levels shall plummet and the ozone layer around the poles will get so thick, you’ll miss all that UV radiation. You can throw your skin tan lotions into the garbage bin.
And by the way, you can stop saying ‘God Bless America’ with every breath now. God really has blessed America. He sent me a memo telling me to ask you guys ta shut up, he’s sick of hearing the same thing over and over. Your nation is fortified by its miraculous geographic isolation – two vast oceans on either side. America also has the technology and due to its geographic isolation, the time that is available to intercept an incoming ballistic missile. All in all, there is a very high probability that at least 60% of your infrastructure will escape unscathed. You can hit the ground running – soon your factories will be humming. American giants like Bechtel and Halliburton will gain immensely from the reconstruction contracts overseas. You’ll never get laid off again for generations. There’ll be more women left alive so you’re looking at getting laid instead. I know how important that is to you rednecks.
Hey, I know of no instance in history when you Americans haven’t benefited from death, destruction and misery. It has become a solid business model and by far the most profitable one.
And the best part? You won’t have to keep on behaving like the stupid white trash redneck jerks that you are, anymore. From now, you just have to be yourselves – stupid white trash redneck jerks. And hey, I love the way you guys have given your national motto a tweak – from E Pluribus Unum, to ‘Go fuck yourselves’.
Terrorism as a word will gradually disappear from the lexicon. When there are no Aye-rabs left, who will give a flying f–k about terrorism? A couple of carefully aimed 30 Megaton thermonuclear devices and you’ll have solved the mid-east ‘issue’ for good. All that oil will be all yours of course. And then, imagine all that Strontium-90 and Cesium-137 mixed in your oil. Hey, you’ll be driving a supercharged car, bud. Impressing the chics will be a cinch.
Who knows, like the 1950s, yours might turn out to be America’s next ‘greatest generation’.
There, hasn’t that made you feel better already, you dumbass rednecks?