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The Abrahamics (Christians, Jews and Muslims) – roughly 80% of the population of the world – believe that we will receive a visit from another messiah – the last one. Even if they don’t agree on who that messiah will be, they do agree on the basic premise – that there will be another messiah. They also agree that the messiah will have humble beginings.

So, why can’t it be me?????

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Second coming

“….Surely I will come soon. Amen.” (Revelation 22:20)

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Although Christ’s Second Coming is mentioned in multiple places on the Bible, the specific line mentioned above appears somewhere in it’s closing pages.

Do you have a copy of the Bible? Get one immediately. If the Almighty Lord senses that you own a Bible, he’ll leave you alone and even favor you. Kinda like…..“Let’s see..hmmm..Spunky has a Bible and he isn’t even a Christian. Transfer a million into his bank account, will you Pete?”

Getting back to the Bible quote above, just who is “I”? Jesus? If yes, there’s so much that I want to say to him. Like……

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“No, thanks, pal. If you make a second visit, here’s what will happen – you will leave with your work unfinished, just like the last time and the number of screwball evangelists and pedophiles who spread evil in your name will only multiply after you are gone. I shudder at the thought of more Mike Pences, Mike Huckabees, Roy Moores, Mike Pences, Jerry Falwells and similar faux Christian raving lunatic nutcases.

Besides no one speaks Aramaic anymore, Dude. We won’t be able to follow your hubba hubba hubba.

(Did I mention Mike Pence twice? Think I’ll just leave it like that. The real Lucifer needs special mention.)

And then again, what exactly will your mandate be, in your second coming? Surely you won’t be pressing for the same old ten commandments? Heck, half those commandments do not even qualify as crimes in the penal code anymore. Take a look at them……

Killing and stealing are still a no-no, but the rest – like adultery or the one about coveting your neighbor’s wife, his house, his pets and his grain – relax, times have changed – they’re all du jour now. We can do them and that’s just fine, because everybody covets everything nowadays.

It is in fact all covet, covet and more covet these days and there is no law against thinking of grabbing something, which is what coveting is. I covet female body parts all the fookin time and I have never been struck by a bolt of lightning, see?

Furthermore, things have changed quite a bit since the last time you were here, dude. Those days ground zero used to be a postage stamp-sized piece of land 4000-sq.miles in area known as The Levant, around the shores of the eastern Mediterranean and you thought that was the entire world. Well, I have news for you – it has grown a whole lot larger and far more complex. There are other hustl…I mean messiahs, now. The do-gooder that you are, you will run afoul of the establishment somewhere along, pretty quick. Heck, you’re the world’s champion ‘run-afouler’. You’ll be in trouble the moment you open your mouth to speak, I am definite about that.

Listen, dude, I’ll level with you – things are much worse than can be imagined, way beyond any messiah’s intervention, trust me on this. You’re like Rex Tillerson, to God’s Donald Trump. Your boss doesn’t need you anymore.

More significantly, we enjoy sinning. We have realized that no matter what we do, no matter how virtuous we are, we are still screwed. Hey, some of us don’t even get the opportunity to show off our virtuosity, fucked the moment we are born, no kidding. Like a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome, know what I mean? We now understand that the ancient concept of sin->mea culpa->punishment->redemption is nothing but shitty myth. So, we don’t want you parachuting in to spoil all the fun. Just do yourself a favor and cancel your trip, bro.

Then there is the “soon” in that Bible quote I have mentioned below the pic. Just when is soon? If you absolutely insist on a second coming, don’t make it soon, please. Wait until maybe 3500AD. I and any surviving reincarnations of mine shall definitely be dead by then.

And here’s a tip – try not to pick the Levant as your landing site. They don’t like you around that joint anymore. They might even crucify you a second time if you show up over there. It hurt like hell the last time, remember?”

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