That’s as close ta spring as I can get.

See how the ice has broken up into little bobbing floes. And the trees, still gaspin’ ta get back into shape. Yonder, a few ring-billed gulls are sun bathin’.

This foto is from last spring. I figured you won’t know the difference, so overwhelmed you’ll be, at my fotografic brilliance.

I mean, if you take a second look at the janam patri (horoscope) that your mom had prepared upon your birth, there’s a tiny section there that says you’d meet this amazing guy on social media by the name of Spunkybong and he’d sweep you off yore feet.

It’s there, find that paper with all those weird circles and the Sanskrit mumbo jumbo and I’ll be there in the cawnah that’s reserved for miracles.

To my non-Indian friends who are reading this, a ‘janam patri’ is a stiff sheet of what is made to look and feel like ancient parchment. It is prepared in the immediate aftermath of your birth by your friendly neighborhood Hindu sage, once your mom feeds him with the date and exact time of your birth and pays him a hundred smackeroos.


An example of a simpler janam patri. Janam patris are usually way more complicated than this one. You should see mine. It screams at you. Looks like this one was prepared for a hill billy who would have very little to look forward to, in life.


You and I wouldn’t be able to read the janam patri, since it is all in the ancient Indian language, Sanskrit. It is very colorful, with tightly packed circles, arrows, criss-crossing lines and script, the characters written in ochre, laying out in minute detail the course your life will take, whether you’ll turn out to be a shit-face jerk or you’ll be a world famous movie star.

If you’re a follower of one of the abrahamic faiths, I was the 11th Commandment, on the bottom right hand corner of the stone tablet. It said, “Thou shall let Spunky covet anything he wants ta covet.” Unfortunately old Moe tried ta grab it right after the good Lord had carved it out with his bolts of lightning, when it was still smouldering and sizzling hot. Add to that his arthritis and all and Moe dropped the tablet and that corner got chipped off, so nobody got ta read it.

Listen, you’ll just have ta trust me on this. Have I ever lied to ya?