The Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, is an unabashed schloop-me-tight-goober. Here he is seen schlooping various assorted bigshots, including the Obamas.

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What? Haven’t you heard of schlooping? It is a close, squishing, cheek-rubbing embrace, so tight and so close that it can get a bit embarrassing if you are at receiving end of it.

By the way, “Schloop-me-tight-Goober” is an authentic copyrighted Spunkybong term. I’ll sue you if you use it without my permission.

The Indian Prime minister, Narendra Modi, holds a PhD in schlooping, he is such a hell of a touchy schloopy guy. Give him half a chance and he’ll schloop you. If you happen ta be a head of state, film star, CEO or celebrity and you see Modi bearing down on you from across the room, you’re going ta get schlooped whether you like it or not.

Quite admittedly, the act of one human hugging another is a heartwarming image. What with the rise of hate everywhere, the world does face a love-deficit at the moment. There is nothing wrong with the gesture as far as I am concerned. Politicians schlooping each other in India is du jour.

But what is striking about Modi’s schlooping is the look of pure maniacal bliss on his face when he schloops someone. He won’t let go – he’ll just keep on schlooping you with that Alfred E. Newman grin on his face. Just google Narendra Modi and you’ll see a zillion Modi schlooping photos. He makes it look like he is in multiple same sex marriages, each photo appearing as though it was taken right after the ring exchange and the vows. When he is deep into schlooping, he looks slightly off into the distance and seems to be saying,” What? Me worry?”

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After two decades in the west and being near white folk, I have realized that schlooping is not a very appropriate gesture in the western world. The warmth that a schloop tries to convey, is lost on most world leaders, especially if they happen to be white folks from affluent nations. Take a look at Mark Zuckerberg or Tony Scott in the collage above. I can just sense the inadvertent cringe they must feel, being schlooped by Modi.

Would you find a Boris Johnson schlooping an Emanuel Macron? Or an Anglea Merkel getting schlooped by a Matteo Salvini? Modi thought nothing of schlooping his erstwhile arch-rival, Pakistani PM Nawaz Sharif. Would you have dreamed of seeing Barack Obama schlooping Vladimir Putin? Donald Trump has professed undying love for Kim Jong Un, but have you ever seen him schlooping the guy? Why does it become so necessary for an Indian Prime Minister to slobber all over another dignitary? During his last meeting with Obama, Modi schlooped him no less than six times in the space of 24 hours.

In the west, physical space is an important concept. Usually it is a two-foot deep envelope all around a person. Western men take breaching that envelope as an annoyance, even as an act of aggression. Between straight men in the west, the only acceptable way to breach the envelope is through a handshake or a high five. Otherwise, schlooping is frowned upon in general.

Hugs are quite normal in India and like hugs, holding hands is common between two male friends in India. Just walk out into the street and you’ll see at least one pair of males walking along, holding hands. But if you try to hold another man’s hand here in the west, he’ll recoil from you, convinced you are a raving perverted homo.

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There could be a number of  reasons for this aversion to touching between men in the west – one is a perception that any overt show of warmth or affection is by default a sign of a lack of manliness. After all, the Caucasian male is essentially a war-like sub-species of human beings, immensely proud of his masculinity.

Another reason could be the way that a western individual is taught to practice his faith. Take a look at pictures of Christian, Jewish or Islamic prophets and even artistic depictions of God – invariably he is shown as old, bearded, stern and humorless , austere, severe and martial and generally inspiring fear and respect. If you looked at a picture of Moses, would it make you feel like giving him a hug?

All three Abrahamic religions teach believers to ‘fear’ God or else. The term “an honest god-fearing man” is an oft-repeated one in the west, meant to describe a devout person. Being God-fearing is like a badge, a qualification here in the west. Brutal retribution is just one tiny sin away, if one following the Bible, the Tora or the Quran doesn’t fear God. It may be this either my way or the highway implicit ultimatum in these three religions that somehow makes a majority of believers cold and impersonal.

This is not to say that I haven’t met warm Christians or Muslims. The lack of warmth that I am referring to is just alluded to the physical space concerns and therefore the straight western man’s aversion to schlooping. Besides, I am not expressing an opinion on whether that is desirable or undesirable.

In comparison, look at Hinduism and all it’s many gods and goddesses (we Hindus don’t have prophets or any other divine sales reps). All Hindu deities have one thing invariably in common – our Gods have this beatific, mushy, serene smile. Fearing god is not a requirement at all in Hinduism, not in the way that the Abrahamic religions make it mandatory. There is no threat of hell fire in Hinduism. The explanation is simple and profound – how can you love someone you are told you should fear?

Schlooping, like any other pursuit, has it’s variations. Let me show you a few………..

Hey, how you bin?

Take it easy, Volodya may be watchin’ and if he gets pissed, he’ll release the golden shower video.

Now cut it out, dumbass. I told you no schlooping and no begging!!!

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‘Schleep’ is when a schloop ends in a kiss on the cheek. You could go further – like you could think of doing a schloop-a-doo-dee. For that, you might have to check into a motel room in a remote part of town, under a false name, with a blonde.

There are goobers other than the schloop-me-tight-goobers of course. Let me introduce you to another kind of goober that inhabits the world – suck-my-face-goober – another Spunkybong copyrighted term. Suck-my-face-Goobers are annoying folks who like to kiss wet slobbering open-mouthed kisses that women say are so yucky. Their kisses have a ridiculous slurpy sound, leaving half the woman’s face wet and sloppy, while their tongues slurp around the palate like eels. Yechh!

Suck-my-face-goobers are usually men but once in a while one gets a female – like this married landlady twice my age in India, when I was twennie-two. She just couldn’t get enough of me and would slobber over my face. I indicated to her that she might find schleeping my richard more fulfilling and I am happy ta report to you that she acceded with zest.

But let’s stick to just schlooping, okay? I am too straight-laced to write about the others, though there was a time I even went schlapee-doo-shaa. Please, don’t make me tell you what that is.

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Getting back to Narendra Modi, if I were the Indian PM, I would stop being a schloop-me-tight-goober forthwith and maintain a certain aloofness. In international politics, it is more prudent to command respect than to look for some facile affection.