“Thou shall not commit adultery”

(The Ten Commandments, Exodus 20:1-17, 1470 BC edition)

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“Watch it, this is the era of data breaches, Stupid”

(The Ten Commandments, 2024 AD edition)

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Spunkybong Quiz :

Who said, “If I don’t have sex every day, I get a headache” ?

 (Hint : Read this piece through, for the answer)

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I have reached the age of superannuation and therefore crossed that threshold beyond which wives usually don’t even bat their eyelids when men cheat.

“Go ahead, he’s aaaaall yoooores”, accompanied by a snigger, is the worst that can happen.

Once she even dared me. We were sitting at a riverside café and I was checking out a broad who had a skirt that appeared to have been painted on by an artist so hard up that he couldn’t afford enough paint.

My wife followed my gaze and said, “You are shameless and disgusting.”

“If you berate me this way, I’ll cheat on you,” I countered.

“With that?” She pointed at a spot south of my navel and giggled.

I hate it when they giggle.

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I do not believe in living for the moment. Anything that is fleeting, like an orgasm, does not appeal to me anymore. Ashley Madison thinks that we should make ‘the most’ of the time we have on earth.

“Life is short. Have an affair,” says their website. It is a typically western mindset – seeking out and trying different things, making life as exciting as possible. The site is so in-your-face immoral that it is actually intriguing, if not downright attractive, to folks who like life on the edge.

Let’s face it. I completely agree with Al Pacino’s soliloquy in The devil’s advocate. We humans were meant to be neither faithful nor virtuous. Otherwise why the fuck would God make sinning look so attractive? 

Every goddamn thing that we really enjoy doing is sinful. Every sin is a blast that we have a ball committing. We are perpetually stuck in a cusp where the other side is always greener. So is adultery. The other woman might have bad breath and the other man may have a tiny richard and yet they turn us on more.

As far as jurisprudence is concerned, over here in North America, a judge won’t even bother about your dalliances, should you find yourself standing in a courtroom, getting divorced. If you are standing there because you were shtupping someone behind your wife’s back, it means absolutely nothing to a North American judge. You’ll be let off with a $10 fine and that too, only in a handful of Canadian provinces. In the others, adultery is not even in the penal code.

The judge might take notice, if your extra-marital affair affects your kids in any way, but chances of that happening are rare these days. Kids today are hardened and blasé. While they would have preferred to be in a family where the parents were affectionate toward each other, separation and divorce do not bother the average North American kid that much anymore. In fact he sees the bright side pretty quickly – two sets of parents mean two sets of Christmas presents, birthday presents and vacations.

So, go right ahead and get into any North American woman’s pants if she’ll have you in there, Sir. That’s why over here we call pants ‘slacks’.

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Now, let’s go to the hullabaloo about the hacking of the Toronto-based AshleyMadison.Com, a website whose business plan is a niche. It takes your money to blatantly enable your extra-marital affairs. The site reportedly got its name from joining the two most popular baby names in North America, to attract female subscribers.

Now don’t go strait-laced on me. Each one of you wants to fuck the neighbour’s wife or the neighbor himself or the girl in the bus or the stewardess on the plane or the dentist who presses her tits against you while examining your molars. Or Scarlett Johanssen.

About Scarlett Johanssen, you better leave her alone, she’s exclusively mine to fantasize about. Or else I’ll have my contact in the ‘NDrangheta employ unconventional means to deter you. Any outfit whose name starts with an apostrophe, beware of it. As for me, Scarlett and I pass each other microbes and carbon dioxide through our lips on a daily basis.

In July 2015, an unknown person or group calling itself “The Impact Team”announced they had stolen the user data from Ashley Madison’s site. There was huge concern over the damage which the leak could cause, when all the lurid details of it’s clients’ dalliances were exposed.

Wired Magazine termed the leak an ‘unprecedented personal privacy disaster’. Reminds me of the 2014 scandal over the hacking of celebrities’ cell phones and the outing of nude photos which stars like Jennifer Lawrence regularly texted to their boyfriends.

As if meeting up and fucking every evening, sharing tit and dick pics, wasn’t enough.

I mean, what kind of imbecile would want to do stuff that is so prone to hacking? Don’t we know by now that when the technology world touches the real world, there are security risks inherent in the overlap? Don’t we have a constant stream of news stories about security breaches, hacks, leaks and data loss? Doesn’t it inevitably turn into a predictable progression – technology meeting security risk meeting stupid?

Honestly, I am finding it very difficult not to not feel utter scorn for the shmucks who go to places like AshleyMadison.com.

I have no idea what kind of site security Ashley Madison employed, but breaches can happen and they do, all the time. Hacks are so common nowadays that security experts no longer advise companies on ways to stop attacks, since that would be pointless, given the sheer volume of bombardment.

My own employers routinely receive threats to the extent of 1850 to 2500 distinct attacks every day, peaking during vacation periods to as much as 10000 intrusion attempts daily. It is impossible to build a fence that can keep each and every intruder out. Instead, internet security providers devise ways to mitigate the risk of having hackers inside and work on ways to contain a breach.

Then there is the Murphy’s law for cheaters – If you cheat, you must accept that there is a reasonable chance that you will eventually be outed somehow.

AshleyMadison.com claims to have 70 million users, with more than half in the US and Canada. Is your spouse cheating on you? So? Big deal. Get a life and a divorce. That is a typically western thought process. Western society has become immune to infidelity, desensitized and pessimistic about being able to build a happy marriage.

What? Don’t look at me like that. I may be Canadian but I am not one of the 70 mill, okay? I belong to the giggle rousers’ group, remember? Besides, I heard somewhere that affairs might give you a fractured penis. I am terrified of an L-shaped organ which would make me have to thrust sideways to achieve penetration, thank you.

Europe is not very far behind, more specifically – France. When the French President Francois Hollande was outed, zipping away on a scooter in the middle of the night, to see his mistress, his approval rating, instead of going further south, actually went up. The French celebrate adultery exuberantly.

I read somewhere that the Ashley Madison hackers are not evangelical crusaders who wish to combat the spread of sexual sin by closing down the site, but disgruntled employees.

Whatever their real motive, the hackers can gain consolation by the fact that Jesus would almost certainly have approved the hack, although his modus operandi might have been a bit different – maybe more ‘Biblical’……

Jesus might have cursed Toronto with a flood or maybe tornados, even a higher pollen count or UV Index, having Gaby the Archangel paint a cross on the doors of the virtuous, with goats’ blood.

Ulp! Anybody have JC’s number? I have to tell him there are no goats in Canada.

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Answer to the Spunkybong Quiz:

John F. Kennedy

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