Kenny’s Brazilian Picadillo (Shtupdate-1)

Kenny bounced into work taday, kept bouncing around till coffee break, 9am. Soon as he saw Charlize, he picked her up and whirled her around and planted a kiss on her cheek. Kissing a female colleague on the cheek is quite acceptable around these parts. Whirling her around, maybe not, but everybody whirls Charlize around, she is so ‘whirlable’.

When you are a male working among females, the only man-to-man talk around the water fountain is how to get Susan or Melanie or Sonya or Sandra in bed. Believe me, that’s all we males think of. I bet, dear female readers, you never knoo that.

Skinny, overweight, flat, busty, pimples, freckles, black or white, Ma’am, no matter how you are endowed, the moment you walk in with your high heels ticketty tocketty tuk, someone in the department is thinking about how nice it would be ta shtup you. Yes, trust me on this.

And please, beware of the gentle, solicitous ones among us men, those sugar-bosses and sugar-colleagues. They’ll shtup you if they can get away with it.

The only exceptions may be boss, Nurse Ratched, flatter than Saskatchewan and more manic than Manitoba, horsey, T-Rexish, gaunt and grumpy. Ugh!

And Charlize.

It’s a strange thing about Charlize. She is single too, very pretty, petite, a real sport, ready and game for any topic, gregarious and funny and not squeamish at all about the kind of jokes that go around the lunch table. Somehow no one thinks of shtupping her. We all like her a lot, she is a great friend and dependable colleague but that’s it. Don’t ask me why it is this way.

Kenny put Charlize down and its only then that we learnt what happened last night.

He had taken her advice and looked Fernanda Pentagrande up on Facebook. There were 21 Fernanda Pentagrandes, 14 of whom had profile photos and they weren’t her. Kenny then went into the timelines of the ones without profile pics and voila! there she was. She had posted a pic of herself in front of the Palais des Congress where her climate change conference was being held. Unable to contain himself, Kenny shot off a message with trembling fingers tapping nervously on his keyboard.

We were quivering with anticipation. “And?” Stephane, Charlize and I screamed in perfect unison.

“Well, she replied almost immediately. She was glad I had found her. Said she was feeling silly she hadn’t asked for my cell number and sad that we might never see each other again. Yes, she would be happy to meet me tanight at the Bistro d’Azur at eight, for a drink and then we could maybe walk along the promenade by the old port for a while…..”

“And?” this time we were so loud Nurse Ratched came out of her room and gave us a murderous stare and went back in and slammed the door.

“And what? Oh, that? Well, no, her roommate is not going ta be there at the hotel tanight. Her roommate had bumped into someone at the Blue Moon and won’t be around till tomorrow morning. Fernanda even ventured that she has noticed an extra toothbrush in the bathroom, provided by the hotel management”.

“I bet she’ll turn out ta be a tranny,” said Stephane and he slunk back to his cubicle in a huff, so green you’d think he was made of kryptonite.

Charlize and I were of course genuinely thrilled Kenny had made contact with Fernanda.


Watch out for the next shtupdate : Did they or didn’t they?

(If Kenny doesn’t come in to work tomorrow, then they did.


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