Kenny’s Brazilian Picadillo (Shtupdate-2)

There was no word from Kenny yesterday. He didn’t show up for work.

The morning meeting usually starts 15 minutes after the gong. Nurse Ratched looked around with her hawk eyes and said,” Anybody know where Kenneth is?” Kenneth. Would you just believe this female? I mean, come on, who calls a Kenny, Kenneth, for Christ’s sakes?

“He came,” said Stephane and smirked.

“But he didn’t come here, that’s all,” added Charlize and giggled.

Nurse R took the hint and rolled her eyes. A general murmur of laughter followed. Sex gets discussed quiet casually in these parts.

The day passed without incident. Nurse R was away most of the time, at meetings. There is a carnival-like atmosphere in the department when she is not around and hardly anything gets done, which is just fine with us.

This morning he, well, if I told you that Kenny bounced in the other morning after he had made the first contact with Fernanda through her FB page (as detailed in Shtupdate-1), today he slunk in quietly and headed straight for his cubicle.

When you come in to work here, the first two hours just fly by. Too much stuff piles up overnight that needs to be addressed. AOGs, for instance. AOG stands for ‘Aircraft On Ground’, meaning there is an aircraft on the tarmac somewhere in the world, waiting for an engine spare. All hell breaks loose when there is an AOG alert.

We waded through our immediate paperwork and tried our best to appear cool but by coffee break, we were fit ta explode. Coffee time and Stephane, Charlize and I appeared magically by Kenny’s side. And Kenny sighed.

“And?” we said in unison. F–k, we should have been in a choir.

“And what?” Kenny seemed subdued, a bit nervous maybe, trying to look like he didn’t know what we were talking about.

“Well? Did you or didn’t you?”

“Of course we did, what the f–k do you think we did?” said Kenny, seeming a bit irritated. We couldn’t fathom why Kenny was behaving this way. After previous conquests, when he appeared the next morning, he would be ricocheting around the walls with ecstasy.

“Then why the Bengali 5?” Me. (And if you have been paying attention to the earlier pieces in this series, you’ll know what ‘Bengali 5′ alludes to).

“The condom tore…” said Kenny.

“You mean, like inside?” Charlize sounded horrified.

Actually we were all horrified. Promiscuous woman from raunchy Latin American country, who looks like a cross between J Lo and Scarlett J, goes home with Kenny on the very first date and they f–k each other silly through the night and God knows what else they do (Kenny is an oral guy). Jesus, we began visualizing an army of tiny helmeted AIDS viruses with jackboots, marching into Kenny, screaming ‘Seig Heil!’

“Yeah, inside…” Kenny looked like he would burst into tears any moment.

“Who brought the condom, you or her?” Me, always the analytic mind.

“Her… I forgot ta get mine….” We were about ta reach for some Kleenex for Kenny.

“I saw cemetery plots on sale on yesterday’s Journal de Montreal. Maybe we can get a bargain.” Stephane, who else? Here is poor Kenny all worked up and we have Stephane with his insensitive sense of humor.

“We went to the doc, first thing yesterday morning,” Kenny continued in a dull monotone, “ She took a look at Fernanda and said ‘ She looks like she is over 75kgs, in which case, the ‘morning after’ pill is not recommended. She may have to go through with an abortion later on.” Fernanda got her weight checked right there and then…..”

“And?” F–kamacallit! We really are a choir.

“She was sevennie fie point one. The doc consented and she took the pills.” Jeeze, 75kgs, this broad must be a handful.

The ‘Morning after’ pill is actually two pills that women have ta take within 72 hours of the shtup. They prevent the egg from reaching the ovary and thus prevent fertilization. The fertilized egg is unable ta attach itself to the uterus and pregnancy is averted. Averted, not aborted, mind you. If a woman is already pregnant, these pills won’t do zilch. (To all those brethren who develop breast or vagina envy, guys, its tough bein’ wimin. You’re lucky being men).

“The point one musta bin what you put in, so ta speak, so its ok, I guess.” Charlize giggled, referring to Fernanda’s measured weight.

“Did you confirm that she actually took the pills?” Me again, Mr. Hercule Poirot.

“Yeah, how do you know she didn’t plan the broken condom? You know women from disadvantaged countries are just dying ta get ta Canada any way they can?” This time, Stephane’s voice had lost its sarcastic snigger.

The look on Kenny’s face said it all. He hadn’t followed Fernanda to the water fountain to actually see her swallow the pills. Kenny was now thoroughly miserable. Everyone could sense that the matter had suddenly gone past being something to laugh about. We all realized almost simultaneously that Kenny had quite possibly been had. Now there was even a record. The Regie de Maladie Quebec now had the whole thing on their databanks and Kenny was firmly in it, besides the DNA evidence of course.

“All right, break it up now, we are not at the La Ronde.” Jesus, Nurse R has this habit of stealing up on you. We quickly retreated to our cubicles and for the moment, that was that. The morning wore on and soon other pressing matters began to occupy us.

At lunch, Kenny wasn’t at the table and we decided that maybe he wanted to be alone, until he appeared finally, with a sandwich and a drink. He had a serenity in his eyes. The haunted look was gone.

“What took you so long gettin’ here?” I asked.

“I was with Nurse R….”

“And?” This time we were outa rhythm.

“She sat me down and heard me out….and she said ‘don’t worry, you never know what life can bring. You don’t know if she planned the whole thing, so why imagine the worst? Besides, she doesn’t seem like the promiscuous kind to me, so relax. Maybe she will be the one for you to settle down and have a family with. Tell you what, Joan needs a hand with those bi-annuals. Why don’t you go over and sit with her? And don’t hurry back.’ ……

…….and she actually smiled, guys.”

We fell silent. Suggesting Joan was a stroke of genius. Everyone knows Joan and Kenny have a yen for each other.

Maybe Nurse R isn’t that ‘flat’ and ‘rectangular’ after all.

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