Dan Brown has made millions on the Satan. Me too.


My wealth is parked offshore. Literally. You won’t find it and even I can’t. That’s why I’m looking for Dan Brown. I stashed my cash inside an iron chest and buried it in shark infested waters under an atoll right beside one of those Solomon Islands. After I was done, I fully intended to write down the grid reference so I could come back for a withdrawal once in a while, but a dark girl appeared right then, out of the shimmer. She had on just a grass skirt. You could count the number blades of grass on it, in the fingers of your hand. Which I proceeded to do of course and while I was at it, she waylaid me and I clean forgot to note down where I’d hidden all the doubloons. I’m worried that the cheap metal of the chest will corrode and all the cash will spill out and mingle with the sea. Shucks, I got ta do something. But of course, there’s always the bright side. I’ll at least know where to find a (loan) shark.

This Dan Brown, I heard he is a cryptologist, symbolist and anomalist. He looks like he aspires to be able to see what you and I can’t. Suppose you were at the Galleria del’Academia in Venice and contemplating Da Vinci’s ‘Vitruvian Man’. If you’re a woman or Sir Elton John, you’d wish he had a richard that was bigger than the shriveled one Da Vinci drew. But if you’re Dan, all sorts of sinister meanings leap out at you. If I didn’t need him to find my stash, I’d tell you Dan Brown is a nut case.

I have a whole blog dedicated to the red guy. ‘‘.  Before you try to access my blog, remember, skin shrinks after you jump out of it, so please, don’t check out the blog if you don’t have a sanforized spare.

Dan and I, we feel connected. Both of us are fascinated by evil. But while I, Spunkybong, write on real dastardly events with that awesome Spunkybong touch, Dan goes overboard with the same old goofy doomsday crap that is kind of like a Stephen King-meets-Frederick Forsyth-meets Robert Ludlum-in-Gotham-City scenario. Frankly, I can’t stand his writing and wouldn’t be able to get through the first twennie pages even if you paid me for it.

Dan’s ‘Da Vinci Code’ was about a crappy code hidden inside Leonardo Da Vinci’s ‘Vitruvian Man’ that was supposed to spell doom for all Christians. It is while I was trying to get through it that I got myself a longish barge pole and fixed a remote-operated page turning device at it’s end. Thereafter, I read through the first few chapters of his next two books with my new barge pole page turner. ‘Angels & Demons’ was all about razing the Vatican to the ground with a nuke. ‘The Lost Symbol’ had something to do with a fraternity called ‘the Freemasons’, guys who just band together in ‘lodges’ and get sloshed. Frankly, Danny might as well have named the book ‘The lost sanity’ because at this point, he may no longer have been sane. I have read some of Dan Brown’s book release interviews and get the sense that he actually believes in all that mumbo jumbo. To him, it’s not fiction, but fact that’s just waiting to happen in the near future.

And now ‘The Inferno’ which shows a new way toward population control – by unleashing a horrific plague that alters DNA and thereby kills one in three people. Another dark and medieval piece of writing that has already hit the top of the charts with 250000 copies sold in the first week. People are such suckers. The endlessly morbid fascination with blood, gore and evil is unbelievable. If he didn’t have such a massive following, I would say he was on LSD. I haven’t read ‘Inferno’. You think I’m nuts?

Things have gotten real bad lately. Even the Satan is pissed off with Dan. I heard he picked up the phone and gave Dan bloody heaven the other day.

“You’re giving me ideas, kid. Just read your ‘Inferno’,” he said,”Plague, huh? Been a long time since I did that one. Six centuries. Black Death still sounds better than ‘Bio-Terror’. Terror is for wimps. I’m now into plain dying, populashun redukshun, wackocalypse, know what I mean? Anyways, you always manage to make me go ‘hey, why didn’t I think of that?’ Now, look at Spunkybong. No one reads his blogs. I love that guy”.

I would take Brown’s writing as simple fiction, not any historical or religious treatise. Each religion has a unique history and set of texts that shapes its beliefs and practices. If we want a thriller, we can read Dan Brown. If we want to learn more about faith and history, we shall have to visit another section the library.

Writes Peter Conrad, in the Observer.” I used to think that Dan Brown was merely bad. Now, after reading the latest version of the apocalyptic thriller that he rewrites every few years, I suspect he might be mad as well. Hogwarts Academy, compared with Brown’s brain, is a clean, well-lighted and supremely lucid place.”

Dan Brown comes from a religious family, both his parents having been deeply involved in church activities. Trips to the church were almost a daily ritual. Amalgamated with that were a lively childhood and hours spent playing at anagrams, crossword puzzles, treasure hunts and soaking in mystery thrillers. All that no doubt helped to create an inquisitive mind that found one ready subject to try to pry open with his mind…religion. I suppose that his protagonist, Robert Langdon, is a little bit of Dan Brown himself. In any case here’s an excerpt from his response during an interview:-

“I was raised Episcopalian, and I was very religious as a kid. Then, in eighth or ninth grade, I studied astronomy, cosmology, and the origins of the universe. I remember saying to a minister, “I don’t get it. I read a book that said there was an explosion known as the Big Bang, but here it says God created heaven and Earth and the animals in seven days. Which is right?” Unfortunately, the response I got was, “Nice boys don’t ask that question.” A light went off, and I said, “The Bible doesn’t make sense. Science makes much more sense to me.” And I just gravitated away from religion.” Great. He and I agree on one thing at least.

Meanwhile, I’m stuck on this atoll. Hold on a sec…Miss, what’s the name of this atoll? Gee..what? Okay, got it. I’m stuck on Geestring Atoll. No, there’s no residual radioactivity in here. That was Bikini Atoll. Young lady here wants me to show her how to tie it back on. How do you say, ’It’s not necessary’ in Pijin?

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