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Although Christ’s Second Coming is mentioned in multiple places on the Bible, the specific line mentioned above appears somewhere in the closing pages of the Bible.

Do you have a copy of the Bible? Get one immediately, if you don’t. If the Almighty senses you own a Bible, he’ll leave you alone, even favour you. Kinda like…“Let’s see..hmmm..Spunky has a Bible and he isn’t even a Christian. Transfer a million into his bank account, will you Pete?”

Getting back to the Bible quote above, just who is “I”? Jesus? If yes, there’s so much that I want to say to him. Like……

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“No, thanks, pal. If you make a second visit, here’s what will happen – you will leave with your work unfinished, just like the last time. The number of screwball evangelists and pedophiles who will only multiply after you are gone.

I shudder at the thought of more Mike Huckabees, Roy Moores, Mike Pences, Jerry Falwells and other faux Christian raving lunatic nutcases.

Besides no one speaks Aramaic anymore, Dude. We won’t be able to follow your hubba hubba hubba.

And then again, what exactly will your mandate be, the second time around? Surely you won’t be pressing for the same old ten commandments? Heck, half those commandments do not even qualify as crimes in the penal code anymore. 

Take a look at the commandments. The ones on killing and stealing are still a no-no, but the rest – like adultery or the one about coveting your neighbor’s wife, his house, his pets and his grain – relax, times have changed – these all du jour now. We can do them and with gusto and be just fine. Everybody covets everything nowadays. 

It is in fact all covet, covet and more covet now. There is no law against thinking of grabbing something, which is what coveting is. Barring the first ten years, I have covetted female body parts all the fookin time and I swear I have never been struck by a bolt of lightning.

Furthermore, things have changed quite a bit since the last time you were here, dude. Those days ground zero used to be a tiny 4000-sq.mile fertile crescent around the shores of the eastern Mediterranean and you thought that was the entire world. Well, I have news for you – it has grown a whole lot larger and far more complex. There are other hustl…I mean messiahs, now. The do-gooder that you are, you will run afoul of the establishment pretty quick.

Heck, you’re the world’s champion ‘run-afouler’. You’ll be in trouble the moment you open your mouth ta speak, I am definite about that. I’ll level with you – things are much worse than can be imagined, way beyond any messiah’s intervention, trust me on this. 

More significantly, we enjoy sinning. We have realized that no matter what we do, no matter how virtuous we are, we are still going to be screwed anyway. Hey, there are some of us who don’t even get the opportunity to show off our virtuosity, we are fucked the moment we are born, no kidding. Like the baby with fetal alcohol syndrome. Know what I mean? We now understand that the ancient concept of sin->mea culpa->punishment->redemption is nothing but shitty myth. So, we don’t want you parachuting in to spoil all the fun. Just do yourself a favor and cancel your trip, bro. 

Then there is the “soon” in that Bible quote below the pic. Just when is soon? If you absolutely insist on a second coming, don’t make it soon, please. Wait until maybe 3500AD. I and any surviving reincarnations of mine shall definitely be dead by then.

And try not to pick that same eastern Mediterranean fertile crescent as your landing site. Believe you me, they don’t like you in that joint anymore. They might even crucify you a second time over there. It hurt like hell the last time, remember?”

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I feel good about my harangue. The other two Abrahamic religions also mention a second coming, though with tiny variations. Islam says Jesus will come down and defeat ‘Al Masih al Dajjal’, the false messiah and restore Islam to “the Mahdi and his followers”. Shudder.

Of the three faiths, Judaism seems like the only one where events have overtaken the second coming and already achieved what the second comer was mandated with – the establishment of a separate Jewish homeland. It is done! With brute force and American support. The remaining thing on their to-do list is the rebuilding of “The Temple”, whatever that is. Why is this a thing at all? They can build whatever the fuck they want in Israel, can’t they?

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The only faith that doesn’t scream “second coming” is Hinduism. It’s simple. Hinduism does not believe in labels. Good and bad, right and wrong, these are seen as pointless.

Hinduism simply tells you what the consequences of your actions are, in a very non-judgmental manner. It lets you choose. Hinduism has no day of reckoning , no gotterdamerung, no apocalypse being anticipated with bated breath.

I know why. Hinduism has no fucking messiahs.