Alternative Title : India’s Affection Addict

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“If you want a friend, get a dog” – Harry S. Truman (US President 1945-1953), referring to overt physical gestures of affection in politics.

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“Hugging may not be in your culture, but it is in ours” – Subramanyam Jaishankar (Indian Minister of External Affairs since 2019), replying to a western journalist’s question about the Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi’s penchant for giving foreign leaders rib-crushing bear hugs.

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What? Haven’t you heard of schlooping? It is a close and squishy, cheek-rubbing, folksy embrace, a hug so tight and so close that it can get a bit uncomfortable and embarrassing if you are at receiving end of it or if you treasure that thing called “personal space”.

By the way, “to schloop” and “Schloop-me-tight-Goober” are copyrighted SpunkyCanadian terms. I’ll sue you for a billion dollars if you use it without my permishun.😉

The Indian Prime minister, Narendra Modi, holds a PhD in schlooping, he is a hell of a touchy schloopy guy. Give him half a chance and he’ll schloop you. If you happen to be a head of state, film star, CEO or celebrity and you see Modi bearing down on you from across the room, you’re going to get schlooped whether you like it or not.

Admittedly, one human hugging another is a heartwarming sight. With the rise of hate everywhere, the world does face a love-deficit at the moment. So, here’s a disclaimer – there is nothing wrong with schlooping as far as I am concerned. 

Politicians schlooping each other in India is du jour. But when Modi schloops someone, there is a dreamy look on his face. He doesn’t let go – he keeps on schlooping you with that Alfred E. Neuman grin of sheer bliss. Just google Narendra Modi and you’ll see a zillion photos of him schlooping, looking slightly off to the side, his face seeming to say, “What? Me worry?”

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According to neuroscience, hugging (or in SpunkyCandian lingo, schlooping) releases a neuropeptide called oxytocin. Schlooping excites us and sends out just the right dose of oxytocin to the brain making us happy and comfortable. In children, schlooping and cuddling helps them grow into kind and compassionate adults. Or, so psychologists tell us.

They also tell us that in adults, schlooping leads to a feeling of well-being and helps enhance social connections and a sense of belonging. It lowers blood pressure and the heart rate. Schlooping also impacts the stress hormone, cortisole and leads to better sleep. 

Not so in the western world. At least not in formal settings.

After two decades in Canada being near white folk, I have realized that schlooping is sometimes not a very appropriate gesture here. The warmth that a schloop tries to convey, is lost on most white people in affluent nations. Take a look at Trump above. Can you just sense him cringing from the intimacy? Even Erdogan, MBS, Putin and Netanyahu, they look like they are merely tolerating it, waiting for the schloop to end.

In the west, most men folk do not understand how to react to schlooping, so don’t even bother to try. Would you find an Andy Burnham schlooping an Emanuel Macron? 

Burnham and Macron represent friendly nations and therefore one could make a case for hugs. Modi thought nothing of schlooping India’s arch-enemy, ex-Pakistani PM Nawaz Sharif. Would you have dreamed of seeing Barack Obama schlooping Vladimir Putin? Donald Trump professed undying love for Kim Jong Un, but did you ever see him schloop the guy?

Why does it become so necessary for an Indian Prime Minister to slobber all over another dignitary? Is it his vanity, that his personal charisma should prevail over strategic thinking? Or is it his craving for affection?

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In the west, physical space is an important concept. Usually it is a two-foot envelope all around a person. Western folk take breaching that envelope as an annoyance, sometimes even as an act of aggression. Between straight men in the west, the only acceptable way to breach the envelope is through a handshake or a high five. Schlooping is frowned upon and can draw a grimace in response.

There could be a number of reasons for the aversion to schlooping between men in the west – one is a perception that any overt show of warmth is a sign of a lack of manliness. The Caucasian male is essentially a war-like sub-species of human beings, immensely proud of his masculinity, eager to march off into any conflict in order to show his manliness.

Schloops are quite normal in India and like schloops, holding hands is common between two straight male friends in India. Just walk out into the street and you’ll see at least one pair of males walking, holding hands. Try holding a straight man’s hand here in the west.

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Modi, with Agolf Twitler

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Schlooping, like any other pursuit, has it’s variations. Let me show you a few………..

‘Schleep’ is when a schloop ends in sex. You could go further – like you could think of doing a schleepa-doo-dee. For that, you might have to check into a motel room in a remote part of town under a false name, with a blonde with big baobabs.

There are goobers other than the schloop-me-tight-goobers of course. Let me introduce you to another kind of goober that inhabits the world – suck-my-face goober – another SpunkyCanadian copyrighted term. Suck-my-face-Goobers are annoying folks who like to kiss wet slobbering open-mouthed kisses that are disgusting. Their kisses have a ridiculous slurpy sound, leaving half the woman’s face wet and sloppy. Their tongues slurp around the woman’s palate like eels. Yechh!

Suck-my-face-goobers are usually men but once in a while one gets a female – like this married landlady twice my age in India, when I was twennie-five. She just couldn’t get enough of me and would slobber all over my face. I suggested to her that she might find schleeping my richard more fulfilling and I am happy to report that she acted on my suggestion with unnatural zeal.

But let’s stick to just schlooping, okay? I am too straight-laced to write about the others, though there was a time I even went schlapee-doo-shaa. Please, don’t ever make me tell you what that is.

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Interestingly, Modi likes to maintain a distance from his own fellow Indian politicos and supporters. He schloops Indians too but far less than he does to foreigners. At public meetings, he sits alone on a raised platform, with a single chair for himself. The architecture of power is clear. He is above the rest – and must be publicly seen to be so. He seems to resist displaying any public attachment, the ultimate Indian alpha male – emotionless, impervious to grief, pain or insecurity. 

Modi has rarely been seen schlooping members of the Indian hoi polloi – children, flood victims, farmers, factory workers or tribals. His cringy schloops are reserved for the ultra-rich, like the phoney Ayurveda tycoon and yoga teacher Ramdev, rapacious business magnates Mukesh Ambani and Gautam Adani, cricket and Bollywood stars, anyone who smells of money.

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If I were the Indian PM, I would stop schlooping forthwith. It is futile to think that a hug can help build a personal bond between two heads of state. Instead, it makes the schlooped one cringe and feel awkward. A schloop is a deeply personal gesture. It is meant for those with whom one already has an ongoing warm personal bond or toward whom one develops an instant chemistry. Does Trump look like he can have deep personal connections with anybody, especially a brown-skinned guy with an atrocious accent, like Modi? Nope. Maintaining a certain distance and reserve is far more effective. 

The Indian Prime Minister does not seem to understand that with world leaders there is little or no possibility of forming close friendships. They are hardened politicos, with emotional fortresses around them which cannot be breached by schloops from the head of state of another country. When they are suddenly grabbed and hugged by Modi, they may grudgingly accept it but with more discomfort and condescension than genuine warmth.

In the end, these expansive gestures do little good to Modi’s image even if they release more oxytocin to the brain. Contrary to what psychologists say about the benefits of a warm schloop, it is doubtful if schlooping foreign heads of states fosters a better appreciation of Indian interests or greater acceptance of India or its Prime Minister. There are far better ways of pursuing India’s strategic interests abroad than through emotionally ambiguous touchy-feely gestures.

In international politics, it is more prudent to command respect and project strength than to go looking for a fleeting moment of facile affection.

There is no affection in diplomacy, only strength and opportunism.

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Xi Jin Ping is the only leader who has not been schlooped by Modi. Most likely, Xi’s strong aversion to schlooping has been made clear to the Indian side. 

After all, China does not need India and therefore does not have to bear the discomfort of a facile gesture such as a schloop. 

Xi is the host on this occasion. Modi’s hand is already (prematurely) extended as he approaches Xi, who looks more like a monarch, receiving a foreign envoy. Modi’s gesture shows eagerness to please, be accepted, while Xi’s projects impersonal nonchalance.